In-Patient Redux

Last weekend, I was feeling extremely low and realized that I was rapidly going downhill.  So I checked myself into the local mental health facility.  This time, I was prepared for the process…although I was in the waiting area for 24 hours before I was able to get back on the ward.  I brought some reading material, pens and paper.  I planned to just take a few days to get my meds regulated and to figure out a plan.

See, I’ve been really stressed out lately.  It’s a combination of things…my job (where I have a boss who seems incapable of reading her emails and continues to ask for things that I have already sent her)…my living situation (trying to find a decent, inexpensive room has been a challenge)…my future (wanting to focus on my business ideas but sometimes, not even having the energy to write a blog post).

Things that most people do with ease have become a challenge for me.  I expend so much energy dealing with work, that I don’t have the energy to fight the depression.  The depression drapes on my like a wet, heavy, wool blanket.  It makes brushing my teeth a gargantuan task.  There’s a movement called #PoweroftheShower.  This is for celebrating the small victories, like taking a shower, when it’s all you can do.

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because I will not be silent.  Depression and anxiety are real and the people who battle them every day are warriors.  Not only do we fight are demons, we also fight stigma, ignorance, indifference and fear.  We constantly worry that we are a burden to our friends and family, no matter how many times they reassure us that we aren’t.  We fear that when we reach out, no one will be there reaching back. 

I’ve been wanting to get a new tattoo for a while and during my in-patient stay, I decided what I wanted to get.  Project Semicolon’s motto is “Your story isn’t over yet”.  It is usually followed by a semicolon.  I have 2 semicolons already but I wanted something more.  So I decided on “My story isn’t over yet…”  I decided on using ellipses because it is my favorite form of punctuation and it can mean hesitation…a suspension point. 

So I am at a suspension point.  I will have ups and downs…good days and bad days.  I will treasure the good days and ride out the bad days.  I will work to manage the ups and downs.  I will fight every day against stigma, ignorance and indifference.  I am a warrior and my story isn’t over yet…

Adaptable

I’ve been retrospective again…usually not a good thing, but lately, it has me thinking…wait, isn’t that what being retrospective means?

Last week, my therapist told me the word that comes to mind when she thinks about me is adaptable.   Adaptable…the dictionary defines it as “to adjust oneself to different conditions, environment, etc.”  

I find that incredibly fascinating because I’ve never considered myself to be adaptable. 

I asked a good friend if she thought adaptable applied to me. She said,  “Yes. You pick up and go when you want, then get yourself established pretty quickly. If things don’t work out, you move on to the next thing.” 

Funny how someone else’s observations completely turned me around.  You see, I never considered that as being adaptable. I thought it was sheer cowardice…the need to run away instead of trying to stay and solve the problem.  

Reframing…turning a negative into a positive…stopping doubt…controlling negative self-talk…thinking about myself in a positive manner…these are my goals.

Why? Well, I’ve never had a high opinion of myself.  I’m smart, organized and capable. Those are things I’m quite confident about…but if someone tells me that I’m pretty, instantly, my mind refutes the compliment. My mind says, “they’re just saying that to be nice”. 

If someone says “You’re strong”, instantly my mind says, “They don’t really know how weak you are.” 

If someone says “You’re amazing”, my mind says “Ha! You’re nothing.” 

About a month ago, I was trying to show someone pictures from my niece’s wedding and I accidentally changed my Facebook profile picture. I didn’t realize it until I started getting likes and comments. It was so unexpected and made me realize that I have worth…that I’m important…that I matter. 

My mind tells me lies and I keep believing it. So I’m giving her a name…negative bitch (NB). So now, when I’m having negative thoughts, I’m working on telling NB to shut up (I’ve found some more colorful words as well).  Some times I am more successful than others, but as always, I am a work in progress.

 

Life…or something like it…

It’s been a roller coaster few weeks…

Let’s start with the good…I’m officially divorced! A process that took far too long because my ex-husband wanted to fight every step of the way…claiming to want me back while being as mean and nasty as possible. 

So now that I’m free of that burden, the question is…now what? I’ve spent the last year with my life on hold, waiting to move forward…thinking that I needed to be divorced to figure out what comes next in my life. 

I thought once I was divorced, I would feel this amazing sense of release…and while I do feel better…I’m also terrified. See, I thought I had found the man I was to spend the foreseeable future with…and when that went sideways, I just stopped…thinking…feeling…processing…all stopped…

I don’t want to be hurt again…and I’m not sure I trust my judgment anymore…it’s been almost 10 years of not so good relationships…Yikes!! 

But my therapist (yes, I’m invoking that phrase) helped me realize that I need to listen to myself more…there were signs that I chose to ignore because I’ve wanted to believe that my fairy tale was coming true. 

I’m a romantic…I believe in true love and fate…I believe that there are people who are just meant to be together…maybe it’s watching The Princess Bride one too many times…

I’m also a realist…I know relationships aren’t all puppy dogs and rainbows…there are challenges…it takes work on both sides…but the reward is amazing…

I’ve been assigned homework…I have to come up with some guidelines for a healthy relationship…things I should expect from a relationship…things that are a must…and things I can compromise on…

It feels like a daunting prospect…but it’s a must if I want to truly have my happily ever after…

Faith

Faith…the substance of things hoped for…the evidence of things not seen… 

Faith is difficult for me…I grew up in the church…every Christian denomination, from C.O.G.I.C. (Church of God in Christ) to Assembly of God to non-denominational…

I’ve always believed in God but there have been times when I have felt abandoned by Him. And before I get all the responses of “God is always there” or “Just keep praying”…that’s not what this is about.  

It doesn’t matter what other people say…my faith and my relationship with God is mine…how I feel about it and how I deal with it is also mine…I don’t tell anyone else how to believe or how to pray or how to have faith…

Faith looks different for me…my faith is knowing that God chooses to wake me up each day…my faith is talking to God all the time, not just when I’m in church…my faith is knowing God knows His plan for me, even if I don’t…my faith is reminding myself that no matter what I do, God loves me and forgives me…

Faith is important to me…without it, I would not have made it this far. I would not have the strength to get up each day…I would not have the energy to work…I would not have the courage to keep moving forward in life…

Without faith, I would have made more suicide attempts…without faith, I would continue to live in fear and shame…without faith, I could not be this open…

Faith allows me to share my truth…to speak out about my depression and anxiety…to know there is more to life than how I am feeling in the moment…

I don’t have all the answers but faith allows me to keep going.

Am I A Quitter

I’ve been in the mode of self-reflection lately…and I’m wondering if I am a quitter…

I never thought of myself as a quitter…actually, there are some things that I hold on to far longer than I should (i.e, romantic relationships).  But there have been a series of things that I have started and not finished…including Etsy business ideas, knitting projects, and the like.

I was told by my soon-to-be-ex-husband that I am a quitter…that he never thought I could finish anything…ouch!  So that has been rolling around in my brain for a while and really has me thinking that I might never finish anything of consequence. 

There are things that I do finish…books mostly.  I’ve always loved reading.  It has been the one constant in my life.  No matter what is going on, I know that I can lose myself in a good book.

But is that my only accomplishment in life?  That I can read and finish a book?  That seems quite paltry.  And looking at my Goodreads account, I seem to have more books to read than I have read.

I’ve always considered my brain to be my greatest asset…but I also hide behind it so that I don’t have to feel hurt, pain, or loss.  I wish I could keep hiding but I know that feeling emotions is an important part of life.

So here I am…stepping out from behind the brain to share my heart.  It is broken and tattered…it has loved fully and been hurt deeply…it does not trust easily…it keeps trying to find peace and is afraid it never will…it still believes in true love, no matter how many times it has been disappointed…it wants to love again…and it will never quit!

Plans…

The future…two of the scariest words to me…they invoke a sense of panic…stomach churning, heart stopping, shallow breathing panic.  Head pounding, mind numbing, hot flashing panic…

I used to be a super organized planner…lots of color coding, labeling, file folders, highlighters, pens (a very large assortment) and paper…all designed to keep me on track, focused and in control… 

And I wasn’t just an ordinary planner…I was a long range planner…not only would I know what I was doing next week, but I could tell you what I planned to do for my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.  I was the one in my family who organized our gatherings because I was good at it…and I enjoyed it…

Now?  Not so much…some days, the thought of figuring out what to wear sends me into a panic, let alone figuring out what happens next in my life…

So what am I supposed to do? I’ve always known what comes next and right now, I have no idea. It scares me…worse than my panic attacks…worse than my depression…worse than anything I ever imagined…

I don’t know what comes next…

What I do know is that when I start to feel overwhelmed about the future, I try to celebrate the small victories…remembering to take my meds…taking a shower when I don’t even want to get out of bed…going to a baseball game and allowing myself to enjoy it…

These may seem like small things…but they are major accomplishments to me…they are small steps in recovery…they are me, trying to get whole again…

 

One Year of Survival

It’s been a year since my suicide attempt.  In some ways, I feel like I’ve made strides forward and in other ways, I feel like I’m exactly the same.  The old saying, “One step forward, two steps back” so aptly applies.  I have days where I feel good…great, even.  I get out and do things and actually enjoy myself.  And then I have days where I don’t even want to leave my bed.  There are days when I feel smart and beautiful…and days where I feel ugly and stupid.  There are days when I feel funny and charming…and days where I feel boring and witless.

I often wonder where my life would be if I hadn’t attempted suicide…would my marriage be intact, instead of in tatters?  Would my mind be full of ideas instead of full of doubt?  Would I have an abundance of self-confidence instead of an abundance of self-loathing?  Would I like myself?  Would I love myself?

It’s easy to think that because I survived my suicide attempt, that I’m fine…that surviving made me appreciate life and that I realize what a mistake it was.  But that is not true.  Deep down, in the places that I don’t talk about, I wonder if God made a mistake in saving me…if I deserve this second chance at life.  I feel so unworthy…and yet so ungrateful.

I wish I could say that the bad days help me appreciate the good days…but it’s not that simple.  When I have good days, I wonder why I can’t always feel that way.  When I have bad days, I think it’s what I deserve. 

I am a walking contradiction…and I’m learning to live with that…because I don’t really know what year two will bring…and I don’t have expectations.  I do have a wish…I wish to be comfortable…in my own skin…with who I am…with what I do…with what I don’t do…so that is what I am striving for in year two…I survived year one…I want to thrive in year two…

Med Compliant

Staying med compliant is something that is a bit of an issue for me.  And it is often for the simplest of reasons.

Let’s go back a few years, when I first started taking anti-depressants.  I was in a funk and started seeing a therapist who suggested that a low dose of Zoloft might help.  One of the first things that she did was have bloodwork done, to rule out low thyroid, vitamin deficiency, iron deficiency, or something else.  It took about a month to get all the results back (had to get tested twice) and then I finally started taking the Zoloft.  It was like a miracle.  After a few weeks, I could feel myself feeling better.  I still had depressive episodes, but the meds helped me feel a bit more even, not so many lows.

I was on Zoloft for a year and with that and thru therapy, I started to feel better.  So I stopped taking my meds.  And so was the roller coaster for several years.  I would take Zoloft, feel better and stop taking it.  And the periods of feeling better were getting shorter and shorter.

Along with the Zoloft, I was also prescribed Ativan to help with sleep.  It was amazing.  I have had sleep issues since I was 15 and it is often difficult for me to fall asleep and stay asleep.  My mind refuses to quiet down and I am constantly over-thinking everything.  The Ativan helped quiet my mind and allowed me to actually fall asleep and stay asleep.

In 2013, I was back in Indiana, hitting a low point when I went to see a therapist.  It finally hit me that meds were important…that I needed to take them on a regular basis, even when I started to feel better.  I was switched off Ativan (my new psychiatrist was concerned because it has addictive properties).  I tried Trazadone, but it made me feel like a zombie.  I then tried Remeron and nirvana!  I could actually fall asleep and stay asleep. 

A quick digression about my sleep…I am not quite sure what started my sleep issues, but I do know that my circadian rhythm is a bit off.  I still haven’t figured out whether my body clock is less than 24 hours or more than 24 hours.  I just know that without sleep meds, I got about three hours of sleep a night and would have several nights where I got no sleep at all.  I have endured two sleep studies (one when I was in my early 20s and one just a few years ago).  Neither study found anything that would interfere with my sleep.  I am sure that it might be something to delve into with my therapist, but there are more pressing issues at the top of the list. 

Ok…back to the topic…med compliance…the issue that I have is not that I don’t want to take my meds…after last year, I KNOW that I need to take my meds or bad things happen.  And I really want to take my meds because I don’t like how I feel when I’m not taking them.  I also know that I might have to take them for the rest of my life.  I’m ok with that possibility.

Every week, I get my weekly pill containers out (now I have two – one for home and one that stays in my travel bag) and dutifully put the requisite number of pills in for each morning and each evening.  No excuse, right? 

And yet, at least once a week (sometimes more), I find myself running out the door, not having taken my meds.  This usually corresponds with the fact that I haven’t eaten breakfast (another habit I’m trying to break…fast…bahahahaha). 

I’ve tried reminder apps, alarms, quick notes, etc…all with varied (but not long-lasting) success.

I decided to remedy this in two ways.  First, I bought a gallon of orange juice so at least I have a glass of juice whilst taking my pills (and getting a bit of something in my system).

And, I have started a system.  I bought these supercute stickers and in my calendar, I put a smileyface sticker when I take my morning pills and a star when I take my evening pills.  When I have a week of total med compliance, I will reward myself (with what, I don’t know yet because I don’t really deprive myself of anything).

Only time will tell if this system works. 

(Barely) Functioning

I have dreams and goals and want to do so much.  I want to start a legal consulting business with my mom…I want to get my mobile culinary business off the ground…I want to sell stuff on Etsy…but I am paralyzed by fear…fear that I will fail again…fear that I will disappoint my family and friends…fear that I’m not good enough…fear of it all…

So, on top of severe depression and crippling anxiety, I now have this paralyzing fear.   I classify myself as high-functioning.  When I have to work, I force myself to get out of bed and do it.  It helps that I have a job that I enjoy and that I am able to set my own schedule.

But when I don’t have to work, sometimes I can’t really get out of bed.  Logically, I know I should…but depression, anxiety and fear keep me from being able to do much.

I am functioning…on the most basic of levels…and some days, not even that…I may not eat or drink anything…I may just lay in the bed and watch tv…I may read…I may sleep…

In those times, I may not respond to a text or email…I may not want to answer the phone…I may not feel like talking…please understand that in those instances, it really is me. 

Pain…the unwanted companion

I’m settling into my new job and my new place quite well.  I’ve been cooking more regularly and the creative juices have been flowing.

But I’m still hurting…physically and emotionally…

The emotional pain is nothing new.  I have felt this pain for a very long time and I have learned to simply live with it.  It wears on me every day…all day.  It’s a giant cloak that I can’t shake.  But it is what it is…

The physical pain is fairly new.  I am not sure what it is, but I am hoping to get to see a doctor soon.  I have never felt this achy and tired for so long.  I hurt from the time I get up until the time I go to bed and even sometimes in my sleep.  I have scoured the internet (because that’s always reliable) and while I don’t have an answer, I have a feeling that it’s connected to my depression and anxiety.  It feels like all of my emotional pain has nowhere to go, so it’s manifesting itself into physical pain.

I have a new mental health group and I have an appointment with a therapist in a few weeks.  I am focusing on the moments that I find enjoyable and shelving the rest until I am back in therapy and able to work thru some of these issues.  I’m not putting my head in the sand and pretending the issues don’t exist.  Rather, I know that I need to deal with things, but I also know that I need to make sure that I have the appropriate support so that I don’t have a relapse and end up in worse shape.

So I wait…distract myself with shiny objects (and carbs) and keep ahold of the thin thread of sanity I have left…