Last weekend, I was feeling extremely low and realized that I was rapidly going downhill. So I checked myself into the local mental health facility. This time, I was prepared for the process…although I was in the waiting area for 24 hours before I was able to get back on the ward. I brought some reading material, pens and paper. I planned to just take a few days to get my meds regulated and to figure out a plan.
See, I’ve been really stressed out lately. It’s a combination of things…my job (where I have a boss who seems incapable of reading her emails and continues to ask for things that I have already sent her)…my living situation (trying to find a decent, inexpensive room has been a challenge)…my future (wanting to focus on my business ideas but sometimes, not even having the energy to write a blog post).
Things that most people do with ease have become a challenge for me. I expend so much energy dealing with work, that I don’t have the energy to fight the depression. The depression drapes on my like a wet, heavy, wool blanket. It makes brushing my teeth a gargantuan task. There’s a movement called #PoweroftheShower. This is for celebrating the small victories, like taking a shower, when it’s all you can do.
So why am I sharing all of this? Because I will not be silent. Depression and anxiety are real and the people who battle them every day are warriors. Not only do we fight are demons, we also fight stigma, ignorance, indifference and fear. We constantly worry that we are a burden to our friends and family, no matter how many times they reassure us that we aren’t. We fear that when we reach out, no one will be there reaching back.
I’ve been wanting to get a new tattoo for a while and during my in-patient stay, I decided what I wanted to get. Project Semicolon’s motto is “Your story isn’t over yet”. It is usually followed by a semicolon. I have 2 semicolons already but I wanted something more. So I decided on “My story isn’t over yet…” I decided on using ellipses because it is my favorite form of punctuation and it can mean hesitation…a suspension point.
So I am at a suspension point. I will have ups and downs…good days and bad days. I will treasure the good days and ride out the bad days. I will work to manage the ups and downs. I will fight every day against stigma, ignorance and indifference. I am a warrior and my story isn’t over yet…